up in the air.

Okay, so I suppose I never really informed anyone in much detail of why it ended between me and the boy. When he and I were together I felt like I was not appreciated and I felt that he did and said selfish things. I never exactly gave him a fair chance to communicate to him about all the things that I found unacceptable in our relationship that he did. So when I dumped him he was kind of caught off guard, he knew something was wrong the few weeks before the break up, but didn’t know exactly what it was. I guess I just thought he would figure it out and come to a realization of what those things were. He was very confused the week after the break up and wanted badly to just talk to me. I was hesitant because I just didn’t think anything good would come of it, but I called him one night and laid it ALL down....and when I say ALL down I mean evvvvvvverythangggg. I told him every single thing he did that made me upset and that I should never have to put up with in a relationship (no holding back). He saw my side of it and was very understanding and felt like a complete ass. I hung up and let him think about everything I said for the remainder of the week. He spoke to me again a few days later telling me how much of a dick he feels, wakes up sad every morning knowing how much he hurt me, how sorry he is for ever doing these things (and of course, I’m just like “Yeah? Well, good.) . The thing that keeps running through my mind is this.....if he truly cared for me as much as he’s saying, then why WHY did he do what he did in the first place, why did he not apologize or recognize anything when it happened? Is that too much to expect, I mean REALLY. I am not the type of person to ever give people second chances, if someone has hurt me once they will probably hurt me again and I just don’t need that in my life.

He knows words and actions are two different things. Expressing to me how sorry he is and how much he wants to make everything up to me and prove to me how much he cares and how much I mean to him and how much he loves having me in his life will come with time. Skeptical is the word that keeps popping up in my mind. I don’t have a lot of faith in people and I just worry what would happen if we tried things again. I just keep thinking in my head that our relationship was only a few months and there should never be issues in the “Honeymoon Stage”. I have never been a fan of those ‘off and on’ relationships, but I’ll be honest I think I may consider going again. The only reason why I feel this way is because I really didn’t communicate to him how I felt when he did things that I was not a fan of ( but again I just feel like I shouldn’t have to) . I understand communication is key in a functional relationship and I am willing to open up more to him and be completely honest with him, it will be a challenge for me because I am not the type to just lay out everything flat out. I let him know that if we ever tried things again I will try to not have a biased attitude towards the relationship and give him somewhat of a chance to prove himself. I also let him know (almost---no, definitely, in a threatening way) that if he EVER did anything to hurt me again that it will be over in a heartbeat and he told me he understands completely.

I am just up in the air about things as of right now. I’m leaning towards trying again. We had a lot of fun together when things were good and I’m sure we could have fun again. It’s been a crazy week, but I guess we shall see how things pan out come next Tuesday.