Double Shot of Happy

Today I was de-cluttering, thanks to my mom’s new found obsession. Go through every shelf, drawer, and closet and throw away all the junk that you haven’t touched for years - apart, of course, from moving it from one house to the next. While I was going through my desk, I found a stack of cards that I received for my 21st birthday. So in the spirit of de-cluttering, I decided to read through them to determine if I wanted to keep them or not.

“Wishing you a double shot of happy today.” While singing “Pour me another shot of whiskey” in an obvious country twang when you open it. Love always... His parents. Awesome. Trash!

But then I found a card from my dad. Well, one of his cards, because he always sends multiple for one occasion and signs it differently every time with different message. But I found one. And one line... brought me to tears.

Time to feel beautiful, special, and loved.
Because there’s no doubt that you are.

Beautiful. How easy it is to feel beautiful when there’s a person there to tell you all the time. But not having that, you have to find ways to make yourself feel that way without being reminded by someone else. I never thought that would be so hard to do. But it is. Especially when you may not be that stereotypical blonde, tan, and size 0. It’s hard to look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am beautiful.” And even harder to actually believe it.

Special. How do you feel special when there’s no one to wake up before you and make your favorite breakfast? How can you feel special when there’s no one to look into your eyes and say “I am so lucky to have you in my life.”

Loved. Love... Love is so great. Not great like “awesome”, but great like monumental. Life-changing. Love is addicting and I was an addict. I loved feeling loved. Waking up early in the morning for class when he didn’t have to get up yet and him begging me to stay in bed so he could hold me. God I loved that.

And I just cried. Because I don’t. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel special. And, other than my parents who pretty much have to love me, I don’t feel loved.

I know I should. But just because I should, doesn’t mean I do.

Tell three different people today, or tomorrow since I know it’s late, that they are beautiful, special, and loved. It may be just what they need to hear to get through the day.

Yours, Jess

She don't want a man? She just wanna dance?

So we’re making progress. Paul and I went on a date Saturday: dinner, movie, dessert, and had a great time. Now I don’t know how to bring up the “girlfriend” question to him. How long does a girl wait until the guy says something about being exclusive? I’m one of the most patient people I know and I’m giving him till the end of the summer to figure out if this is what he wants, but in the meantime what should I do? Introduce myself to his friends and family because he doesn’t? When people ask if we’re together say “No, we’re just friends?”

Something happened while we were at a bar this past Friday. Me, Zoe, and Jess decided we wanted to dance so we did. Guys approached us and to me they were drunk and harmless. Now Paul didn’t think that way at all. He was concerned because I didn’t try to get away from the guy. He was hurt because it looked like I wanted to dance with the guy. Truth be told I don’t ever want to dance with anyone but Paul. So when it comes down to it, I won’t dance with other guys because it makes him uncomfortable, but does that make me exclusive to him? Holly thinks I should address the situation but honestly I don’t think he knows what he wants from me just yet or maybe he does and is too scared to admit it.

Let’s look into the future. Far-fetched as it may be just go with me here. Paul is looking for a wife, he said this himself. I am looking for a serious relationship. I’ve always been an independent person. I know how to take care of myself, respect myself, and love myself. I’m looking for that other person to give all of this love to. To some it may seem that I’m wishing my life away but I’ve always been more grown up, if you will, than everyone around me. If Paul and I work out, and a couple years go by, he’ll be ready, and so will I. This has the potential to end up in a happily ever after. That’s why I think he’s not so sure of what to do with me yet. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes, and boy would I feel scared. I think for now I will give him time and reassurance. Honestly, we act like a couple anyways, so who cares if we aren’t FBO. If you’d like to do the countdown with me he’s got till August 22nd.

*On a side note: Paul always says the most ridiculous things about marriage and children and not in a joking fashion either so every time he says something like that I will include it because really? WTF? Sometimes I just would like to say that to him. What the f........
So I was really sick last night with an upset stomach and ended up in his bathroom. He was trying to make me feel better so I wouldn’t throw up or faint so he asked me to start doing “pregnancy breathing”. “Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth.” Yes ladies, he did this with me. He literally sat on the bathroom floor and held my face with one hand and held a washcloth to my neck with the other. He then proceeded to rub and pat my stomach and say “It’s okay, Paul Jr. is in there. We gotta make him feel better.” Most of you are creeped out right now, yet of course, I am not.

Platform 9 3/4

Why yes, my title is a random Harry Potter reference. And I'm sure you're all wondering. How is this girl still single??? But really I've spent my day off from internship having a Harry Potter movie marathon. Well what else is a girl to do, stuck alone at home with no car? I've downed a waffle with syrup, some french vanilla coffee, popcorn, an apple, and a glass of water. I'm prob. going to make a sandwich when I actually feel like getting up again.(oh yes, I said prob, jess hates it lol) All in all it's been a good/strange day. I've made some fake progress, I've decided I'll probably marry George or Fred, whichever one doesn't die in book 7. I kinda forget right now. Either way I would break my no ginger rule for them. But then again, they are probably nuetrals; they seem too interested in their joke shop. It would be just my luck.

In more realistic matters, I will be spending this weekend helping out my local children's theater group. The show begins friday. I'll be helping backstage and then my friends and I are doing a little dance at the end. (I am a dancer btw, since I was 2) I am excited yet dreading it because this means I will probably see one friend in particular that I've known since I was a child and I used to like him and whenever he is in the room I always find myself trying to see if he's looking at me. He never is. I hate that I do this to myself. I honestly don't even like him anymore, it was years ago that I did. I just can't seem to stop hoping that he'll notice me. It's completely immature, I'll admit but I can't seem to stop myself. ughhhhh. I drive myself crazy sometimes. I really just think I am craving attention, which I never do, so it's a wierd feeling for me. Then again, he might not even show up, so I could just be going crazy over nothing. In fact, I vow to forget about this nonsense and just focus on having fun and putting on a play.

I guess the main problem for me now is that I'm not sure where to meet guys. I don't really have any friends home for the summer. My high school friends and I have drifted apart and I've never been friends with guys anyways, so I feel kind of stumped as to where to go or what to do. I went to a bar last weekend downtown and I had fun but ZERO luck. I've never been able to meet guys at bars. Maybe I'll get a job seeing as my unpaid internship, leaves me broke. Any SUGGESTIONS would be much appreciated! But I'm babbling. So i'll end this by saying:

Jess: go for maverick! and I'm super jealous you are hitting the gym, as you can see my eating habits are not the best lol.
Zoe: good luck with the ex, I hope it works out...again! lol just don't settle and don't let him make you feel guilty or mess with your head.
Sandy: i'm sure you'll explain this later but i'll just say try not to leave paul/danny zucco stranded at the drive-in, tell him he is worth more than a good looking boytoy.
love you girls and have great weekends!
-Holly Golightly.

up in the air.

Okay, so I suppose I never really informed anyone in much detail of why it ended between me and the boy. When he and I were together I felt like I was not appreciated and I felt that he did and said selfish things. I never exactly gave him a fair chance to communicate to him about all the things that I found unacceptable in our relationship that he did. So when I dumped him he was kind of caught off guard, he knew something was wrong the few weeks before the break up, but didn’t know exactly what it was. I guess I just thought he would figure it out and come to a realization of what those things were. He was very confused the week after the break up and wanted badly to just talk to me. I was hesitant because I just didn’t think anything good would come of it, but I called him one night and laid it ALL down....and when I say ALL down I mean evvvvvvverythangggg. I told him every single thing he did that made me upset and that I should never have to put up with in a relationship (no holding back). He saw my side of it and was very understanding and felt like a complete ass. I hung up and let him think about everything I said for the remainder of the week. He spoke to me again a few days later telling me how much of a dick he feels, wakes up sad every morning knowing how much he hurt me, how sorry he is for ever doing these things (and of course, I’m just like “Yeah? Well, good.) . The thing that keeps running through my mind is this.....if he truly cared for me as much as he’s saying, then why WHY did he do what he did in the first place, why did he not apologize or recognize anything when it happened? Is that too much to expect, I mean REALLY. I am not the type of person to ever give people second chances, if someone has hurt me once they will probably hurt me again and I just don’t need that in my life.

He knows words and actions are two different things. Expressing to me how sorry he is and how much he wants to make everything up to me and prove to me how much he cares and how much I mean to him and how much he loves having me in his life will come with time. Skeptical is the word that keeps popping up in my mind. I don’t have a lot of faith in people and I just worry what would happen if we tried things again. I just keep thinking in my head that our relationship was only a few months and there should never be issues in the “Honeymoon Stage”. I have never been a fan of those ‘off and on’ relationships, but I’ll be honest I think I may consider going again. The only reason why I feel this way is because I really didn’t communicate to him how I felt when he did things that I was not a fan of ( but again I just feel like I shouldn’t have to) . I understand communication is key in a functional relationship and I am willing to open up more to him and be completely honest with him, it will be a challenge for me because I am not the type to just lay out everything flat out. I let him know that if we ever tried things again I will try to not have a biased attitude towards the relationship and give him somewhat of a chance to prove himself. I also let him know (almost---no, definitely, in a threatening way) that if he EVER did anything to hurt me again that it will be over in a heartbeat and he told me he understands completely.

I am just up in the air about things as of right now. I’m leaning towards trying again. We had a lot of fun together when things were good and I’m sure we could have fun again. It’s been a crazy week, but I guess we shall see how things pan out come next Tuesday.

Sitting. Waiting. Wishing.

So far, I’m holding up my end of the bargain. The gym has been a nearly daily occurrence and I have been to the grocery store twice this week to replenish my supply of fresh fruits and veggies. I feel more energetic and like I am really starting to turn around my bad habits. Although the fro-yo down the street is still my biggest vice, that’s not a habit I am willing to conquer just yet.

Now as far as the males go in my life... Well, that’s another story. On Friday, Zoe, Sandy and I went to Podunk to watch Paul’s softball games which I’m sure you’ll hear more about on Thursday. Well, Paul’s friend Dan is also on the team and has always been overly nice to all four of us whenever we see him. Now, before I continue, I need to just mention that last week, we went to a bar with Paul and Dan and Dan’s girlfriend was there. I will admit that I was feeling very friendly with the liquid courage that I had been downing, but a familiar song came on that only Dan and I knew. So of course, we ended up singing it together and I may or may not have had my arm around Dan. This sparked a huge dispute between Dan and his woman. Now, a week later, after casual conversation during the game, Paul springs on me that Dan is now single. I know its bad, but I really don’t feel bad because frankly, she must have been really insecure if one song changed their relationship (unless there was more trouble in paradise that I am just not aware of). Regardless, we spent the night after the game flirting but I don’t think Paul was too happy about it. He advised me at one point not to start anything with Dan, yet did not explain why the warning. I’m not worried because it’s not exactly like I’m looking for a relationship. Is it bad that I just enjoy the attention? I have not had even a second glance from any guy for almost 5 months. Can you blame me?

Then, yesterday I was at the pool with Zoe and she tells me that someone asked her if she thought I would go out with him. I was floored! Someone actually asked about me?! After much convincing, I find out that mystery man is Maverick, Zoe’s old roommate. Mav is cute and funny. The kind of guy you can stay at home with and still have a blast! But to be honest, I don’t really know him too well. But that’s that dating is for right? Anyway, Zoe says he was a great boyfriend in his last relationship, and I don’t doubt it. But would it be fair to see him when I’m still having almost nightly dreams about my ex? He doesn’t deserve that...

But what about me? What do i deserve? Do I deserve to be alone when the relationship I put everything into ended for things that I did not do wrong? I know it is biased for me to say, but I was a great girlfriend. I did everything right. So why am I the one alone? And more importantly, when will I be over him and finally get something great?
Not-So-Patiently Waiting, Jess

Summer Lovin, Had me a Blast!

I’m Sandy. My summer of love will hopefully lead to true love. I’m the one who coined “summer of love” because that is what I want more than anything. My dating history condensed: Ryan: 3.5 years. He was a liar. Will: 3 months. He may or may not be gay. Holly calls him a “neutral” which means he may not prefer men or women but is completely in love with something else, like sports. Anyways, I have been single for over a year now and am looking to get serious with the right guy. The man I am pursuing is Paul.
We met at my workplace in Podunk, FL. I work there only once a week. So since I’ve met Paul, in August, I’ve only been able to get to know him through the limited time I spend at work. Since December we’ve been interested in each other. Since January we’ve been talking online, on the phone, meeting each other’s friends/family, and gone on few dates. My goal: to try to go on more dates with Paul and some day soon maybe, just maybe have a quality boyfriend. Oh yeah and get married and have a bunch of kids. Did I leave that out?

Hakuna Matata

Hey guys! I'm Holly (at least for this blog, I am) I'm 21 and an eternal optimist! Therefore, let me just say my life (and summer) motto - Hakuna Matata. No worries, be happy and all that. You can look forward to postivity and mushy gushy Disney fairy tale like blogging, every wednesday!

I guess I should start off by telling you that I absolutely voted to call this summer, the "summer of love" but not because I'm in love, or have any prospects for that matter. I wanted a summer of love because being in love is something I've never experienced. In fact it is my opinion that it is better to love and lost, then never to have loved at all. I know that I can't even imagine what it's like to feel the pain of losing someone you love in a break-up. However, I do know what it's like to be alone my whole life, to never be in love and be loved in return and trust me, it's not something I would wish on anyone. Still, I have amazing friends, you've met two of them already (Jess and Zoe)and you'll meet Sandy tomorrow. I have a great family and I go to a fabulous college where I am in a sorority that I adore (no matter how much I complain about it lol). I feel very blessed to have all that I do but before I get too "rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens" on you, I must say that I do feel like there is something missing in my life. Yep, you guessed it, it's a boyfriend.

Being 21 and never having had a boyfriend is somewhat strange, I know this better than anyone, trust me, but knowing a fact and knowing how to change it are two seperate things entirely. My usual shy demeanor when it comes to the opposite sex is something that I've had for as far back as I can remember and the older I get, the harder it seems to break free from it. However, I refuse to give up hope on myself and I have decided it's time to take action in my life. Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results." Well dear readers, I refuse to be insane any longer. I can't just expect the perfect man to just show up at my doorstep and fall in love with me. So I am going to try something else. I am going to get up, despite the fears I have and make my life the way I want it to be. I no longer want to blame my circumstances, the people around me, or anything else for what my life lacks, I am going to take control and be responsible for my life and my happiness!

I decided that I should look at this problem like I would look at any other type of obstacle in my life. I can make goals for myself and try to accomplish them, step by step. So together with the fantastic four, I compiled a list of potential traits I want out of my "perfect 10" guy and go from there. I have the lists we all made at my house with me and I will remind everyone from time to time what it is that they want on their life so we can focus on our goals. If you can see it, you can achieve it, right? Preferably I am hoping that by focusing on exactly what I want, then he really will appear on my doorstep, so to speak. You know, "manifestation" and "Oprah vision boards" and all that. As far as taking action, I was assigned to talk to at least three guys this summer and report back to the fantastic 4. I know this doesn't seem like much but for me it really is lol, baby steps, people!

So, I guess we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck, guys! <3
-Holly Golightly.

Now put your hands up!

Hello all. Introducing another piece to the puzzle, me, Zoe. So this is the Summer of Love and I began mine by.....breaking up with the boy. Yes, I did it. It’s strange to think back to when the boy and I first met and thinking to myself “This is perfect” and then only a short time later thinking to myself “This is not so perfect”. It’s a very disappointing feeling. It was a short lived relationship but a relationship nonetheless and although we did have a few things in common, he ultimately wasn’t worth my time. Oh well. Moving on.

So, now what?

Since I am single again, I am not completely sure if I should be back on the prowl? I am more than content with being single, it’s nice and there’s a lot to like about being single, but it’s also nice to have that someone who gives you those butterflies, someone to daydream about, someone you want to pretty yourself up for, someone who makes you feel so excited just because you’re going to see them, someone that can make your heart smile.

There are a few boys that have been talking to me (nothing serious of course, but there are some definite vibes). One, Tyler, who I have a lot in common with, very easy going, easy to talk to, a bit of an interesting person.....I am unsure about if I find him physically attractive, which sounds shallow but let’s be honest with ourselves.....we are all an eency bit shallow. He would like to hang out with me some time. Let’s see. Two, Jordan, I’ve known him for a long time. He is a very attractive young man, if having babies was in my future (which it’s not....by choice) I think we would be doing the world a favor by having one because our child would be drop dead gorgeous (sounds cocky, but if you saw this boy...ooo). The thing about Jordan is...I feel that he’s very innocent and we also have different beliefs. We have always flirted with each other, but I guess it was always bad timing with us, I had a boyfriend for a while and then he eventually got a girlfriend. Now we don’t have either of those. So. Yeah. I will stop there.

I do not know what I want, which is probably something a lot of us find ourselves saying on a daily basis. I feel like I gave a lot of myself into my last relationship and I need to recharge and reevaluate. I don’t think I am going to actively look for a boy, whatever happens happens. I will just go with the flow and see where that takes me. It should be fun.

Summer of...

I’m Jess and only one fraction of the Fantastic Four. I am 21 and newly single (is it still new if it occurred 4 months ago?). And for the record, I did not vote on “The Summer of Love.” I am still on the donors list for a new heart, and don’t think I’m ready for even the possibility of a minor ache- good or bad. But since I lost the vote, I will go along with this title. This is my summer of love. My summer where I focus on the love of my friends, family, and most importantly, where I learn how to love myself again. Not THAT “self love” Sandy, I have already mastered that aspect! But where I learn to love myself and accept who I am for how I look and what I accomplish. I am going to try my hardest, but if you have ever hated something about yourself, I’m sure you know how difficult it can be to overcome those imperfections.

For example, a few days ago, I turned down the opportunity to go to The Springs with a group of people. Even though I declined because an old friend of mine was coming into town for the day, the real reason wasn’t because I had plans. If he said they were going tomorrow, I’d still say no. To be honest, there is no way I could face a group of college guys while I only have a bathing suit to hide behind. Now by no means do I think I am fat, because seriously, I’m not. But a bathing suit? I’ll pass. Yet as I think about why I said no, I know that I am just holding myself back from having a really great time. I mean, floating down the river with seemingly endless beer, the sun, and good company= a guaranteed good time! So like an alcoholic, I have admitted I have a problem, but now what? I still feel like shit. And even though I am vowing to stop complaining, hit the gym, and eat better this summer, there is no instant gratification.

So bring on the inspirational quotes! I will add them all to my mirror where I will read them everyday.

Cheers to a promising summer (crossing my fingers) and great friends!

... Now where’s my beer?

Introduction: Summer of Love

This is our story... Holly and Sandy met in high school freshman year. Sandy becomes random roommates with Jess in college freshman year. Jess meets Zoe in her junior year of college. All four of us meet and the rest is history. Holly, Sandy, Jess, Zoe. This is our summer of love. Some of us wish to rename that title but in reality this is the last summer of freedom before our grueling senior year of college. As each lady travels through the summer of love she will write on our blog on an assigned day. Jess on Mondays, Zoe on Tuesdays, Holly on Wednesdays, and Sandy on Thursdays. I must add a caution note however, we have changed our names and will change other names to protect the innocent. For example: we all go to school in Mid Florida, but Holly and I are from Spanish, FL, Jess is from Rich, FL, and Zoe is from San Juan, FL. Also, our stories/lives may not be suitable for all audiences. Although we are no Sex in the City foursome, we aren’t quite as clean cut as the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants either. We encourage each other to use this space to write from the heart and share our true experiences without the editing. And with that our journey begins...