The mean reds

Holly Golightly: "You know those days when you get the mean reds?"
Paul Varjak: "The mean reds, you mean like the blues?"
Holly Golightly: "No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" -Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Hey guys, remember when I was all optimistic and blah blah blah. yeah. bout that. I'm not feeling it today. I pretty much feel like the real holly golightly in this scene I posted above. I've been feeling kinda strange lately and the strangest part is, I don't know why. My mom would say it's Hormones, my dad would say I need to do more things like excersize or get more sleep. I honestly don't know what to believe. I just know that I've been feeling down lately. Mostly, I am wanting to be alone and not wanting to go out or talk to people. Which is of course completely counter-intuitive to finding love. I think it's because I'm scared of a lot of things. Life can be scary sometimes and when you're like me, the fears can build up in your mind and paralyze you. When Audrey Hepburn's character got "the mean reds", the only place that made her feel safe was tiffany's. For me, it seems to be my bedroom but I can feel my parents disapproval about the amount of time I spend in here alone and I am not really sure what else to do. Some of my fears include the fantastic 4 reading this and not liking it because I am always supposed to be the positive one. the one with all the advice. and I don't want them to think less of me or see another side that they might not like. when of course that is completely irrational because my friends love me. but i have those fears just the same.

I never thought this blog would be like a therapy session but it actually is turning out to be just as helpful in some ways. I feel like evaluating why I do things and why I don't do things. Right now I can't seem to figure it out. Sorry to bum everyone out. On top of it I feel like I'm failing, I haven't met anyone and I don't see how I can. so blahhhhhh to that b.c. it's deff fear based. I stopped making efforts to get along with my family because I'm just not in the mood. Also there is nothing less I want to do this summer than continue to work my butt off for an internship that I'm not even getting paid for. But I have to, to graduate. Plus I owe the school money and they are going to put a hold on my account b.c. I just can't pay it right now and I'm going to have to wait until fall when my loan money comes in, to do so. I know it will be handled but it just sucks because my parents feel bad that they can't help me. which makes me feel bad. it's a crazy cycle.

I know these negative thoughts are not what I am supposed to be thinking but I am being honest with myself and that is what I am thinking. Most times when I'm bummed I put on a happy face and say the positive things that I should be saying like "there is no reason to be scared and certainly no reason to be unhappy". but right now I don't seem to be listening. I literally can visualize myself under a singular dark cloud that follows me around, like in a cartoon. How ridiculous is that??? I even recognize that I sound emo and completely unjustified and just whiny. but...it's... how i feel right now and I rather let it out then keep bottled up. But don't let my complaining fool you, some good things are coming up, my best friends birthday is this weekend and it's gonna be like 3 days worth of partying and I made her the best gift ever. Also my parents told me I am getting the car to bring back with my to school next year. Which for some reason I got mad at my parents for, instead of reacting gratefully and being happy about. I must be seriously disturbed because I still can't figure out my reaction on that one. I've narrowed it down to fears just not sure which ones yet. But I am happy about it. Maybe I just had a bad day and hopefully tomorrow I won't feel anxious and actually feel like I can handle my life (b.c. honestly I don't feel like I am capable to do so, not in the extreme way , just in the way that i wish i was better and had more life skills to handle it). I need to Change my attitude. Make the effort. Find joy in the little things etc. Mostly I want to find someone who won't let me take life so seriously. seriously. I guess that's all for now.
-Holly Golightly


Zoe- now more than ever do what makes you happy. I am indecisive as well but I know in my gut when something is right and you seem to have it already figured out. we only have one life to live. tomorrow is never garaunteed. and also that pic made me smile!! for real!
Jess- all I can say is Yayy!
Sandy- I am soo happy for you and the progress you and paul have made. you're just awesome.